 I am angry.
I’ve been waiting for Permission. It’s been there Dangling just ahead of me On the maze of my own making. Always just ahead. I put it there, too Part of my Brilliantly designed maze. What would I do if I had it? I would take up space. Take up what space? There’s plenty of space. More than I could possibly use up. I caught up to the Permission. And it was just a little piece of paper Dangling from a stick. No authority behind it. But my own illusion. Baby, there are new rules in town.
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 photo by David Zawila I’m active in many groups on Facebook that are in constant discussion about relations between men and women. There’s “Tantra” and “Conscious” and “Enlightened” hoody-ha all over my inbox. I wade through it every day. After hours and days and weeks of feeling my own triggers and witnessing the triggers of others and feeling into the knot in my brain and the pain in my heart I’ve come to a phrase that’s the best medicine I’ve found: I’m curious about your struggle. I don’t exactly mean I literally say this. I mean I hold it in my heart while interacting. Your struggle is not my struggle so I don’t know it. And I mean this in a spirit without comparison. I mean it without an attachment to a particular “team” or identity that makes for a loyalty or a debt. So how does this phrase land with you? If you’re busy wanting to talk about your own struggle then you aren’t going to be able to hold this phrase. And then, hopefully, someone will hold it for you. This is the personal yoga- noticing for yourself if you have the space to respect someone else’s struggle. If you need more space for your own then that’s just fine. I’m not saying anyone should ignore, suppress, or move through that need faster than their system, spirit, or body is ready for. Holding this phrase in my heart is my practice when I’m ready to not be in the focus of my own healing, but in service to the collective, or to that soul over there, who it turns out, isn’t really so separate from me.  Consciousness is without gender. When we strip away the meaning making and assessment of experience, when we remove all the filters of “How am I being seen?” and attachments to identity (“I’m this kind of person. I fulfill this role and do these things in the world.”) then what’s left? The pure presence of consciousness peering out of this human meat suit has no concern for gender or any other identity (feminist, queer, POC, trans, American, Republican). No care at all. Those are all constructs of ego or relational dynamic, or geographical border. Do people in those identities have vastly different life experiences that have informed them? Yes! Absolutely. And that very real material of circumstance and personality can be extremely consciously identified and handled and is still different from the present and equanimous essence of consciousness.
 I was in the process of moving into my new home when it happened...I was carrying a load from the back of the car into the house. Easily. Swiftly. I’d packed well. It was late morning and there were several workmen digging around the exterior of the house, hired by me to replace the drainage system. One of them was passing by on the driveway, precariously pushing a wheelbarrow overflowing with heavy, muddy tools. Upon seeing me he dropped it with a hurried clatter, already moving towards me as he called out, “Here, let me help you with that!”
 For the last couple of months I've not concerned myself with the ridding of my armpit hair.
This has all been welcome in "hippie" or "empowered women/feminist/lesbian culture. In fact, in moments it's felt like it gives me more cred there. Its proven a bit of an edge for me specifically because I've been at the gym working out and showering more communally than I ever have before. It's also entering into the summer heat, which means the wearing of tank tops and sleeveless things.  True power
Is when a partner can pick you over the cacophony. When the presence of you is distinct enough to pierce through distraction. And provide a beacon of haven delighting for a soul. It is when you can light an individual more beautifully than they have ever been lit before. And then understand that they are not meant for your gazing alone. True power Is transparency suspended on a spine of integrity Where that light shines through unobstructed By shame, need, or fear. It is when you hold someone with all the certain strength of Love. And in the embrace of you there is still room to dance. For True power Is found in nurturing reflection of radiance Like in a room full of mirrors Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth… Be what you want to attract  I was recently supported in a Hakomi Therapy process that gave
me a breakthrough around what’s been stopping me from promoting my work. It was the last day of our second year of training and the invitation was to partner up and explore what we were creating in our professional life moving forward. We isolated the moment when someone asks me, “What do you do?” I could feel my heart quicken and jump upward in my chest while my upper back had the sensation of already running away. Because what I want to respond with includes the words “intimacy and sexuality.” |
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February 2020
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